The Awareness Dilemma
One of the reasons people often start with meditation, self reflection, and journaling practices, is that they want to become more relaxed, more authentic, more aware, more present. One of the troubles you will inevitably run into during your journey towards change, however, is the apparent mindlessness of others in your particular field of interest, and the stress or discomfort this creates on your side. Whether you are working towards a more awake mind, greater mindfulness, better breathing habits, mindful movement, mindful eating, or conscious parenting, once you become more aware, you will also become more aware of how unaware everyone else is.
How Mastery Can Create Fixation
In Zen Mind, Beginners Mind, Shunryu Suzuki writes: “In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s, there are few." The beginner's mind is characterized by curiosity, openness, and a willingness to explore and learn. By contrast, the expert's mind tends to be more focused, relying on established patterns and knowledge. While expertise is valuable and necessary in many situations, it requires practice to remain curious and open once your mind is ‘made up’.
Even if you have a curious, learning oriented mindset, and you openly endeavor a new subject, once you are aware of new information, you may get fixated on ‘the truth’, and you also become super aware of the discrepancy between your own knowledge and mindfulness on a topic, and that of other people. I know for sure that’s how my mind works. It’s easy to get triggered by how little everyone pays attention to the things that are so obviously important to me. If only everyone could be more 'aware' and 'awake' and see things how they 'really are' ;-).
My Personal Experience With The Awareness Dilemma
In our journey towards greater mindfulness and self-awareness, we often encounter a profound shift in our perception of the world around us. As we become more attuned to our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we also become increasingly aware of the actions and attitudes of others. This creates a conflict: The awareness dilemma.
Didn’t you become more aware and present in order to become less judgmental, more openminded, and more relaxed? Meditation was supposed to be relaxing right?? Although your new awareness can be enlightening, it can also be unsettling, as we witness the mindlessness and lack of consideration that permeates much of our daily interactions. Some people seem much less aware of how their behavior oversteps other peoples’ needs and boundaries.
Having a baby, and being the one responsible for her boundaries and a safe learning experience, I have observed many people interact with my child, and this is what I have noticed: Some people take a slow and gentle approach: they watch the child, they watch us, they ask questions about what is ok and what is not, and they slowly mix in their own behavior with that of our family unit.
Other people come in, immediately grab the child without asking or giving her a moment to get used to the situation, correct the child without permission, continuously interfere with what she does, or help the child without asking. There seems to be little awareness of how these actions influence the inner world of the child. I have to say that I think all these behaviors are well intended. It is much more a matter of mindlessness and an inability to regulate own emotions or responses, than a matter of non- caring, and in all honestly, I may have, in the past, been one of these people.
The Educational Conundrum: Balancing Judgment and Compassion
I find this an extremely difficult topic, because part of me wants to educate people on the whole realization that the space around you is shared between you and others, and that one needs to be mindful where one steps, what one says, whom one touches, and when one judges, corrects, interferes, or helps. I think this type of education is important, and I think it is necessary if we want to build a more mindful, compassionate society.
Another part of me does not want to be a person who judges or blames others, corrects others, and has a negative interpretation of other people’s behavior. Behaving like I am 'more aware' creates a speration, a superiority, a lack of humility that is far from the type of connection to others I want to embody, and far from the person I think I am or want to be.. You can see the conundrum!
So how do we go about this issue? How do we address these issues of apparent mindlessness in a situation that is of importance to you, but keep it open, non judgmental, friendly, and constructive?
Strategies for Equanimity: Inner and Outer Practices
Practice Personal Equanimity: First, we need to stay aware that this thing we see or feel, is our perception, that we may be wrong, and that we need to open a conversation from a place of balance, not a place of frustration or annoyance.
In Buddhism, this phenomenon is addressed through the concept of equanimity, or "upekkha." Equanimity teaches us to cultivate a balanced and even-minded approach to life, regardless of the actions of others or the circumstances we find ourselves in. It encourages us to maintain a sense of inner peace and tranquility, even when faced with challenging situations or the thoughtlessness of others.
Yoga philosophy offers complementary insights into this issue, emphasizing the interconnectedness of all beings and the importance of cultivating compassion and empathy towards others. Compassion and empathy are not the same as pity. Compassion moves from a place of sameness, pity moves from a place of superiority. Through practices such as ahimsa (non-violence) and metta (loving-kindness), we learn to extend goodwill and understanding to all those around us, even when their actions may disturb us, understanding that we all have our struggles, our misperceptions, our mindless moments, our faults and that most of us are doing the best we can.
Psychological science also sheds light on the challenges of navigating mindfulness in a mindless world. Research suggests that increased self-awareness can lead to greater sensitivity to the thoughts and behaviors of others, which can sometimes result in heightened stress or discomfort. However, cultivating equanimity can serve as a buffer against these negative effects, allowing us to remain centered and grounded in the midst of external chaos.
I can hear you thinking. Ok, this all sounds great. Apparently, I need to practice equanimity.
BUT HOW??? How can we cultivate equanimity in our daily lives, especially in the face of mindless behavior from others that may trigger stress, frustration, irritation, perhaps even anger?
There are two paths to explore.
1. Path one, is to practice how to deal with this issue in your own mind.
2. Path two, is the path of compassionate and curious communication with others, that requires you to practice how to communicate with an open mind and open ears.
1. Path One. – Inner Practice - Creating Balance
Explore your inner conflict: Find out what it is in you, that makes you so annoyed about other peoples’ mindless behaviors. This is a practice I developed to understand my own thought processes better, and separate my own perceptions, ideas, and emotions from the actual behaviors of others. Find it here --> Explore Inner Conflict.
Practice Compassion: Begin by extending compassion and understanding towards yourself. Recognize that it's natural to feel unsettled or disturbed by the mindlessness of others, but also acknowledge that you have the power to choose how you respond. Tara Brach has a beautiful practice called the RAIN of self-compassion, that allows you to explore emotions in a kind and forgiving way. Find it here --> RAIN of Compassion.
Set Boundaries: While it's important to cultivate compassion towards others, it's also essential to set healthy boundaries to protect your own well-being (and in my case, that of my child). There are people who are mindless with no bad intentions, and there are people who deliberately cross boundaries and manipulate others. Its ok to limit your exposure to certain individuals or situations that consistently trigger stress or discomfort, and it is ok to kindly explain that your child or you need space or time.
Create a pause button: Regular mindfulness practices, such as meditation and breathwork, can help you to create more pause between the initial stressful event, and how you feel, allowing you to respond to external stimuli with greater clarity and equanimity. For me, the easiest way to create pause, has been to breathe a few times. Understanding the power of a good long exhale, has made a huge difference in how I respond in stressful events. Find it here --> Create Pause.
Keep a gratitude list: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by focusing on the positive aspects of your life and the kindnesses you receive from others, especially and including the people who may annoy you sometimes. This can help shift your perspective away from negativity and towards a more balanced outlook towards others.
2. Path Two: Outer practice - Creating Connection
According to Charles Duhigg, a journalist with an interest in human psychology who recently published a book on the neuroscience of communication, one of the biggest mistakes people make when entering a conversation, is to be in it to win it. To converse with the goal to convince the other person. When you consider yourself somewhat of an expert on a topic, this is one of the hardest things to do. You need to get off your educator seat, and move into a space of curiosity, listening, and safety.
Step 1: Make the other person feel safe.
Psychological safety is key in fostering a feeling of connection and growth. If we want the other person to be open to our feedback, we need to create a safe space for them to grow. They need to feel safe to experiment and fail, without fearing blame, criticism, or repercussion. One very important way to make the other person feel safe, is by making them feel like you are here to learn about them, not to judge them. Fostering a learning environment starts with you. Are you here to win the argument, or are you here to learn and grow as a team? Leading with vulnerability, admitting your own mistakes and shortcomings, your own insecurities, is often a good place to start. Another place to start, is conversational turn-taking. Make sure everyone speaks roughly the same amount of time. So if you just shared something, perhaps follow up with a question.
Step 2: Be curious.
Instead of blaming the other person for their mindlessness, ask questions, be curious about the intentions behind their behavior. As Charles Duhigg describes in his book ‘Super communicators, How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection': don’t be in a conversation to win the argument, or to convince the other person. Be in the conversation to learn about the other person, to understand the other person. Curiosity is key. So, ask questions. For example, if you want to learn more about how someone interacts with you, you may ask what conversation was like at the dinner table when the other person was young. A simple question may give you a wealth of information about the other persons intentions, and behavioral patterns.
Step 3: Listen and reflect.
Step 3 is to listen, and more specifically, to make the other person feel like we are listening. These are two seperate things. We often think that if we just sit still and listen, that’s it. But for the other person to feel heard, we need to repeat what they just said in our own words, and check whether this was correct, or preferably, whether it was wrong. Tee bonus is, that having to summarize what someone said, actually helps you to process information much better, because you are using new information actively. So you will both BE a better listener, and BE PERCEIVED as a better listener. You may say: Ok, so if I understand what you just told me, but please let me know if I am wrong here, you are trying to help because you are worried the child is hungry?
Conclusions:
That’s a long list isn’t it??? Well, we just broke down one of the most complicated processes in the world. There is a reason why there are so many unresolved conflicts at the world stage that have been raging on for decades. Dealing with your own cognitive biases, regulating your emotions, staying calm and kind in the presence of stress, and communicating in an open, curious, and safe way, is hard. It takes practice. I still struggle to implement all of this into my life (hence my conundrum). This is a process. It takes several steps and it will take time to learn. I think it will be worth your time though. If this long list feels overwhelming. Start at the top of the list with one (inner) practice and do just that for a while. There is no need to master everything all at once. Taking one practice and making it your own will make a huge difference in your capacity to stay calm in the face of discomfort.
In conclusion, cultivating equanimity is a journey that requires patience, self-reflection, and a commitment to inner growth. Initiating mindful changes in others while practicing compassionate connection in conversation, is a whole nother level. By integrating insights from Buddhism, yoga philosophy, and psychological science, we can develop healthy habits and practices that support our ongoing evolution towards greater mindfulness and compassion, even in a world that, to us, often seems oblivious to its own mindlessness.
We can connect to others by taking a humble approach and try to learn from them, listen to them, stay curious, and find connection not through judgment, but through aiming to understand and connect, and perhaps while learning more ourselves, we may spark new interest and growth in others as well.